I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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