My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
