She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
