I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
