I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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