oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize