We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Randomize
