two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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