Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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