Yo dont text me then not text me
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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