just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
