i think my mom watched the whole time
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
