The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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