I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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