and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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