So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
