So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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