Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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