bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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