We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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