Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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