My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize