apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
