You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
