So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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