i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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