when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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