Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
