Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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