Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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