I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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