My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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