he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
