so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
