I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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