Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
