the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
