Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
