remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
