she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
