when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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