I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
