I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize