Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I need to stop coming to work sober
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
