I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
