i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
