I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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