I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
