If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
