just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize