I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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