They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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