The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
