her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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