if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
