someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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