You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
